To start off, this is my transcription of Samuel L. Jackson's hilarious beginner's guide to the TV show, Game of Thrones. Needless to say, this will contain some F-bombs. 😉 (And I should probably also say *SPOILERS!!!*)
The video came out around four months ago (in July 2016), and I transcribed it shortly after. I did it in response to someone in the comments asking if anyone can CC the video for the benefit of non-native [English] speakers who might find it hard to follow. Since I can't CC the video, I gave her a transcript instead, right there in the comment section. Haha. 😁
Hope you all enjoy. 😃
Transcript:
Ok, newbie, we've only got a few minutes and a lot to cover, so listen up.
The first thing you need to know about this world is... No! Not dragons. Fuck those dragons! Focus!
The seasons in this place last a ridiculously long time so when we start this, everyone has just come out of a long, long summer. So let's just say... they ain't too happy about winter coming.
Ned Stark: Winter is coming.
Catelyn Stark: Winter is coming.
Olenna Tyrell: Winter is coming!
Tyrion Lannister: Stop that. You're making me uncomfortable.
Over in Westeros, Lord Eddard Stark, aka Ned, is asked by his friend, the king, Robert Baratheon, to be the Hand of the King, aka right hand man. Ned doesn't wanna go but that's his boy! So he uproots his family and heads to King's Landing. Nice family, right? Don't get attached. I'm just saying.
Over on Essos, the exiled children of House Targaryen want King Robert dead and the throne back in their family. Before Robert, it belonged to their father, the Mad King who tried to burn everybody in the kingdom to a crisp with wildfire until THIS motherfucker [Jamie Lannister] killed him.
Now, he's the king's brother-in-law, the queen's twin brother. Put a pin in that cause that's important.
Now, Daenerys Targaryen gets married off to Khal Drogo, leader of the Dothraki, in exchange for using their badass army to take the throne back. At least, that was the plan. Oh, and she got some eggs as a gift. Beautiful, right?
Ok. Now, last place you need to know about is this 300 mile long, 700 foot high ice wall. The Night's Watch defend the wall against their sworn enemies, the wildlings. But that's not the only thing they need to worry about.
Now, some time has passed now and all hell has broken loose because of some things I don't have time to explain. Just know that in all seven of the kingdoms of the Westeros, peace time is done! Finito! Everybody thinks they should sit on the Iron Throne. This guy [Littlefinger/Petyr Baelish], this guy [Stannis Baratheon], this guy, too [Renly Baratheon]. But the guy who's on the throne now is the heir. He's not exactly humble about it either.
Joffrey Baratheon: The king can do as he likes!
People doubt the legitimacy of his right to the throne because his uncle and mom, the queen, are a little too... close.
{(song) Come on baby, let's do tonight.}
Remember those lovely eggs? Well, Dany found a way to hatch them and yes, you guessed it! Three little dragon babies. Aww. That is so cute!
Over on that big ice wall, Jon Snow, Ned's illegitimate son, and the rest of the Night's Watch are really getting worried about the wildlings on the other side. And... they're motherfucking cold. Which is why everybody should be worried about this long ass winter coming, but instead, are too busy fighting!
Jon Snow: Loose!
Meanwhile, Dany's dragons finally got bigger. Oh, relax. Not that much. She still needs an army if she wants that throne. So she heads over to Slaver's Bay to try and get one.
Nobody seems to have any idea that the White Walkers are about to wipe out everybody. The seven kingdoms, the wildlings... EVERYBODY! The only one with a clue aside from Jon Snow seems to be her [Melisandre]!
Melisandre: This war of five kings means nothing.
Meanwhile, this jerk [Joffrey] is still on the Iron Throne. So right now, House Lannister is winning this game.
Tyrion Lannister: If you want justice, you've come to the wrong place.
And the only reason they're winning is the wealthy House Tyrell is backing them. So this asshole [Joffrey] has to marry her [Margaery Tyrell] to fuse the families together.
So, what happened to all the Starks, you ask. Well, let me tell you! They're not doing so well. Robb, his wife, and his mother, well... let's just say some wedding invitations, you should decline. Sansa's stuck in King's Landing with this motherfucker [Joffrey], and Arya teams up with this scary looking dude [The Hound] to survive. Bran... Bran trippin'.
Meanwhile, nobody's paying attention to Dany, who did pretty well for herself! The dragons are even bigger and could now do some serious damage. She's got thousands of followers and eight thousand of the baddest soldiers in the land! Now, that's formation.
But she's not the only one who has an army, see? The White Walkers, the scary motherfuckers, they got one, too. The Night's Watch is trying the best they can to stop them.
And remember what I said about winter a few minutes ago? It's almost here! And still, ain't nobody ready! Even though they've been saying "winter is coming" for four seasons now.
And Cersei thinks she's a good leader but she ain't. She's pretty much Marie Antoinette in this whole situation.
Cersei Lannister: Aha, the people. You think I care.
So the people turned against the leaders and turned to religion, a dangerous one.
As for the Starks... Well, Arya's working on her revenge dance. And Jon Snow is still with the Night's Watch defending the wall.
So, let's look at the wall again, shall we? Remember, Jon knows that the White Walkers, aka army of the dead, are coming. And being the good guy that he is, decides to try and save the wildlings from getting wiped out. The Night's Watch aren't exactly thrilled about this idea but Jon didn't care. He's the Lord Commander and they have to do as they're told! And remember that other battle Jon fought we didn't have time to show you? Ha! That's nothing... NOTHING compared to... Man, listen! Trust me. I wish I had time to show you this battle but IT. IS. SICK!
Anyway, back to Dany. More power, more problems. She's having trouble controlling everybody - the former slaves, the masters, these guys with the masks. Even her dragons ain't fans of hers right now. And what's worse - before, nobody even knew she had dragons and she wasn't a threat, now EVERYBODY knows she has dragons. And right about now, she could use some solid advice as to what to do next.
Tyrion Lannister: I am the gift.
He is! Tyrion! Sure, he's a Lannister and he's a lush, but hey, don't hold that against him.
Daenerys Targaryen: You're going to advise me.
Now, let's check in on the Stark kids one more time. Sansa can't catch a break and is now stuck in the worst relationship of her life with this dickhead [Ramsay Bolton]! As for Arya, a girl has decided to boost her skill set by becoming no one. And out of nowhere, Jon Snow's men show him just how much they didn't appreciate risking their lives to try and save the wildlings. And of course we all know what happened next because it was huge. HUGE!
Oh. Y-y-you don't, huh? W-w-wait, what?
Oh! Sorry folks, we ran out of time. Shame. Shame! Shame.
Because all of this is NOTHING compared to what we didn't have a chance to get into - the backstabbing, the lying, the cheating, the parts that'll make you feel uncomfortable, the parts that will break your heart, epic battles... I mean, you need to see it for yourself. You really do! And uh...
Huh? What? Yes! Yes, ok. Yeah, yeah! Yes, we have dragons. After all that, you're still stuck on these fucking dragons? Ok. You wanna see a dragon, motherfucker? Alright! Here you go. Here you fucking go! You happy now?
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